the dream.....
I'm in the WSOP Main Event and I'm at the featured table! I can't believe it. I have to say it again to myself silently. I'm in the Main Event! I ponder the circumstances that got me here and can't help but smile, knowing that good fortune is shining down on me. I've never been very confident before, but now, I feel a surge of excitement coursing through my veins. I must be the luckiest man on the planet. I feel, right now, like I'm a lock to take down the whole damn thing. I can't ever remember feeling more confident than I do at this instant.
My memory quickly fades back to three weeks ago. Grandpa unexpectedly passed away. I was able to put Grandma in a nursing home and quickly sold his beach house, his yacht, that weird European car he drove, and that old motorcycle with the Indian chief on the gas tank. Everything went through just in time to put together $11k for the entry fee, book a room, catch a plane and now I'm here: at the World Series of Freaking Poker baby!!! Well, I was actually still 2K short, but my good buddy, Biscuit, fronted me for the rest. He knows he's gonna get paid. Shout out to my home boy!
The ESPN cameras are swarming around. Some dude holding a microphone is talking about all the pros at my table. Shit, I aint never heard of any of these poker jokers.
Here's how the ultimate hand-of-all-hands went down: Blinds are 5000/10,000. I'm short stack at the table, (mostly because earlier today not the first one of any of my gutshot chases came in. Man, I must have hit 8 of those in a row yesterday!). The next 4 players will be out on the bubble and then everyone else is getting paid! Some old white dude with a green Boston ball cap is first to act and makes it 30k to go. Some smart ass named Phil that everyone keeps calling "the brat" is second. He smooth calls. This little flamer with highlights in his hair (I think someone said his name was Daniel ??) reraises to 120k. Homeboy named Ivey just to my right, waits for like a freaking half an hour and finally calls. I almost put the clock on his ass but you know how ghetto boys are. Mofo would probably try putting a cap in my ass if I run into him later... So anyway I look down at my cards and see 3c 3d. Now with all this action in front of me and 4 players on the bubble, I'm seriously thinking about pushing it all in but then I remembered that I got position on these fools. I can outplay any of them after the flop, plus I got 40k more left in chips. Even if I just call here and then whiff on the flop, I plan to shove my last 40k in on these old school mofos and make them lay it down. So that's the plan I'm formulating when Ivey is taking his sweet time, so when he calls, I insta-call just to show the table I got a big pair of hairy balls. Then the damn dealer looks at me, smirks, and starts shaking his head??? What's up with that? I almost think he was referring to me??? Fuck him! Anyway, both of the blinds fold with some quickness, which is moronic since their getting like 9.5 to 1. Any two cards, right? That's my motto. It moves back around to dude in the Boston hat, he calls the reraise, and "the brat" calls too..!!! Now this starts to interest me a little bit and something in the back of my head tells me that some serious bullshit is about to go down but I didn't get to where I am today by being a pussy and listening to that subconscious part of my brain. So with Boston dude, brat, daniel, Ivey, the blinds, and myself there's 630,000 in the pot!
Here comes the flop and I'm watching the "pros" for a tell. Boston dude just about spit out his dentures and his hands start shaking uncontrollably, probably from Parkinson's disease, poor old bastard. The brat was sitting there with both hands propped under his chin, trying to be still, hiding behind his wraparound shades when I swear he jumped 3 feet outta his chair. Pro my ass! Daniel, who was in the middle of talking to some showgirl, (nice cover, gay boy) froze in midsentence. Ivey looked like he was gonna fall asleep (this really didn't tell me anything though cause he's looked like that for the whole tournament. I figured he's just a dumb ass stoner).
So now I check the board and I see Ad-Kd-Qd......how sweet is that?? I'm in position and all of these so called pros have got to be scared shitless of a flop like that. Besides I kept getting a little lucky earlier and people had been calling me names like luckbox, fish and donkey?? What the fuck is up with that? Ok, maybe I can understand the fish comment because of the $20 hooker and I didn't have time to shower, but donkey??? I'm not even a registered voter. Besides I know what these "pros" are thinking about me: luckbox down there came in with the Jack Ten.
Now here is where the shit gets real interesting.
All these so called "pros" check to me??? I'm laughing so hard inside. It is so obvious that every damn one of them missed. So I've got top pair and a flush draw! I almost feel sorry for them. Then in a flash of brilliance I decide hey why not give them a free card?...you know, let them catch something. It's always better if you can make them put their own chips in voluntarily before you take it all away. I check.
So I'm sitting there with a big shit eating grin on my face thinking about how I'm gonna be spending the $12 million, wondering how I can get Halle Berry's phone number, when my mind springs back into action like a steel trap. I'm all about the business at hand. The dealer burns and turns while I watch the "pros".
The turn card hits the felt and Boston dude looks like he just finished taking the biggest crap of his life. Not a painful crap, but a relieved crap. I know he's just acting. Save it for the Oscars old fart. This is my pot! "The brat" took off his wraparounds, started crying ( I'm serious..real tears ) and went over to his wife who was sitting on the rail. Somebody call a doctor! Daniel slumps back down in his chair for just a millisecond then keeps chatting with the show girl. (O.K.! We got it! You're gay and you don't want anyone to know it. Jeesh!) Ivey has fell asleep.
Now it's time to peak at the board. I look down and see the Ace of hearts...Fuckin sweeeet! What's the chance that any of these punks has an ace....I don't know either but it can't be much since two of them are already out. Now the board reads: Ad, Kd, Qd, Ah. I've got two pair with king kicker and a flush draw!
This time they all check to me again....fucking retards...lol. So why not, I check.
Suddenly as the dealer began the burn, everything went into super slow motion (just like that time I was in that bad car wreck on the Ohio turnpike)! I could feel the neurons firing off in my head and in a split second the most brilliant idea I have ever had, ever, came to life! My mind processed every action, every tell, every betting pattern, and replayed the entire hand at high speed over and over again at least a thousand times, all in a split second. My move became crystal clear. I was gonna make the ultimate offensive manuever and totally throw them off their game. Plus I felt a little sorry for my new friends. I'm gonna help them out. With that big pot sitting in front of me, I'll toy with them the rest of the day. Like a big jungle cat playing with a mouse. I will cement my poker genius, establish myself as a living legend, and crush my competition in one quick swoop. "I'm all-in, in-the-dark." I announced. The dealer wiped tears from his eyes as he acknowledged my play and repeated my announcement to the table. He laughed a little too??? Asshole. Anyway he burned and turned for the river card: King of hearts......
Boston dude immediately went all in, Phil went all in, Daniel folded, and Ivey went all in. I, of course, was already all in.
So that's why I'm here working at McDonalds...
By the way, Herrington had quad aces, Helmuth had quad kings, Negreanu folded a boat of Queens over aces (get it..laid down queens and asses), Ivey flopped the Royal Flush, that lucky hash smoking motherfucker....
You want to super size that?
My memory quickly fades back to three weeks ago. Grandpa unexpectedly passed away. I was able to put Grandma in a nursing home and quickly sold his beach house, his yacht, that weird European car he drove, and that old motorcycle with the Indian chief on the gas tank. Everything went through just in time to put together $11k for the entry fee, book a room, catch a plane and now I'm here: at the World Series of Freaking Poker baby!!! Well, I was actually still 2K short, but my good buddy, Biscuit, fronted me for the rest. He knows he's gonna get paid. Shout out to my home boy!
The ESPN cameras are swarming around. Some dude holding a microphone is talking about all the pros at my table. Shit, I aint never heard of any of these poker jokers.
Here's how the ultimate hand-of-all-hands went down: Blinds are 5000/10,000. I'm short stack at the table, (mostly because earlier today not the first one of any of my gutshot chases came in. Man, I must have hit 8 of those in a row yesterday!). The next 4 players will be out on the bubble and then everyone else is getting paid! Some old white dude with a green Boston ball cap is first to act and makes it 30k to go. Some smart ass named Phil that everyone keeps calling "the brat" is second. He smooth calls. This little flamer with highlights in his hair (I think someone said his name was Daniel ??) reraises to 120k. Homeboy named Ivey just to my right, waits for like a freaking half an hour and finally calls. I almost put the clock on his ass but you know how ghetto boys are. Mofo would probably try putting a cap in my ass if I run into him later... So anyway I look down at my cards and see 3c 3d. Now with all this action in front of me and 4 players on the bubble, I'm seriously thinking about pushing it all in but then I remembered that I got position on these fools. I can outplay any of them after the flop, plus I got 40k more left in chips. Even if I just call here and then whiff on the flop, I plan to shove my last 40k in on these old school mofos and make them lay it down. So that's the plan I'm formulating when Ivey is taking his sweet time, so when he calls, I insta-call just to show the table I got a big pair of hairy balls. Then the damn dealer looks at me, smirks, and starts shaking his head??? What's up with that? I almost think he was referring to me??? Fuck him! Anyway, both of the blinds fold with some quickness, which is moronic since their getting like 9.5 to 1. Any two cards, right? That's my motto. It moves back around to dude in the Boston hat, he calls the reraise, and "the brat" calls too..!!! Now this starts to interest me a little bit and something in the back of my head tells me that some serious bullshit is about to go down but I didn't get to where I am today by being a pussy and listening to that subconscious part of my brain. So with Boston dude, brat, daniel, Ivey, the blinds, and myself there's 630,000 in the pot!
Here comes the flop and I'm watching the "pros" for a tell. Boston dude just about spit out his dentures and his hands start shaking uncontrollably, probably from Parkinson's disease, poor old bastard. The brat was sitting there with both hands propped under his chin, trying to be still, hiding behind his wraparound shades when I swear he jumped 3 feet outta his chair. Pro my ass! Daniel, who was in the middle of talking to some showgirl, (nice cover, gay boy) froze in midsentence. Ivey looked like he was gonna fall asleep (this really didn't tell me anything though cause he's looked like that for the whole tournament. I figured he's just a dumb ass stoner).
So now I check the board and I see Ad-Kd-Qd......how sweet is that?? I'm in position and all of these so called pros have got to be scared shitless of a flop like that. Besides I kept getting a little lucky earlier and people had been calling me names like luckbox, fish and donkey?? What the fuck is up with that? Ok, maybe I can understand the fish comment because of the $20 hooker and I didn't have time to shower, but donkey??? I'm not even a registered voter. Besides I know what these "pros" are thinking about me: luckbox down there came in with the Jack Ten.
Now here is where the shit gets real interesting.
All these so called "pros" check to me??? I'm laughing so hard inside. It is so obvious that every damn one of them missed. So I've got top pair and a flush draw! I almost feel sorry for them. Then in a flash of brilliance I decide hey why not give them a free card?...you know, let them catch something. It's always better if you can make them put their own chips in voluntarily before you take it all away. I check.
So I'm sitting there with a big shit eating grin on my face thinking about how I'm gonna be spending the $12 million, wondering how I can get Halle Berry's phone number, when my mind springs back into action like a steel trap. I'm all about the business at hand. The dealer burns and turns while I watch the "pros".
The turn card hits the felt and Boston dude looks like he just finished taking the biggest crap of his life. Not a painful crap, but a relieved crap. I know he's just acting. Save it for the Oscars old fart. This is my pot! "The brat" took off his wraparounds, started crying ( I'm serious..real tears ) and went over to his wife who was sitting on the rail. Somebody call a doctor! Daniel slumps back down in his chair for just a millisecond then keeps chatting with the show girl. (O.K.! We got it! You're gay and you don't want anyone to know it. Jeesh!) Ivey has fell asleep.
Now it's time to peak at the board. I look down and see the Ace of hearts...Fuckin sweeeet! What's the chance that any of these punks has an ace....I don't know either but it can't be much since two of them are already out. Now the board reads: Ad, Kd, Qd, Ah. I've got two pair with king kicker and a flush draw!
This time they all check to me again....fucking retards...lol. So why not, I check.
Suddenly as the dealer began the burn, everything went into super slow motion (just like that time I was in that bad car wreck on the Ohio turnpike)! I could feel the neurons firing off in my head and in a split second the most brilliant idea I have ever had, ever, came to life! My mind processed every action, every tell, every betting pattern, and replayed the entire hand at high speed over and over again at least a thousand times, all in a split second. My move became crystal clear. I was gonna make the ultimate offensive manuever and totally throw them off their game. Plus I felt a little sorry for my new friends. I'm gonna help them out. With that big pot sitting in front of me, I'll toy with them the rest of the day. Like a big jungle cat playing with a mouse. I will cement my poker genius, establish myself as a living legend, and crush my competition in one quick swoop. "I'm all-in, in-the-dark." I announced. The dealer wiped tears from his eyes as he acknowledged my play and repeated my announcement to the table. He laughed a little too??? Asshole. Anyway he burned and turned for the river card: King of hearts......
Boston dude immediately went all in, Phil went all in, Daniel folded, and Ivey went all in. I, of course, was already all in.
So that's why I'm here working at McDonalds...
By the way, Herrington had quad aces, Helmuth had quad kings, Negreanu folded a boat of Queens over aces (get it..laid down queens and asses), Ivey flopped the Royal Flush, that lucky hash smoking motherfucker....
You want to super size that?
posted by Ed_Zackary at 7:31 AM
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